Incoherent Ramblings

(this is probably my most favorite blog ever.  i still laugh when i read it.  originally posted December 11, 2007.)

So, it’s official.  I have a brain tumor.  Okay.  Okay.  Maybe “official” is stretching things as I have yet to get a doctor’s diagnosis, but I know what I know.  I have had this brain tumor for many years.  It is so obvious to me now…

The Tumor has been the cause of numerous migraines.  I am sure it has caused other headaches too, all coming after I have had far too much vodka.  Damned tumor.

Aside from the pain, is the more important side effect of erratic, irrational and foolish behavior.  The Tumor prevents me from keeping my check book properly up to date, resulting in a bounced check or two over the years.

The Tumor has definitely caused me to kiss the wrong boys.   And not kiss the right ones.  Sometimes The Tumor so affects me that I *might* have done some other unsavory acts with some of these wrong boys.  The Tumor also causes me to like kissing these boys.  It’s The Tumor. I’m not to be blamed.

The Tumor has caused me to quit wonderful jobs which I love (teaching) and go back to crappy jobs I never really liked (paralegal).  The Tumor is a treacherous and unpredictable wretch.

Once The Tumor even caused me to fall in love for four years and waste all of my good years on one boy, when I had many other suitors.  The Tumor doesn’t care about heart break and misery. The Tumor lives for it.

The Tumor often causes me to drink too much, stay out too late and dance too long, leaving me exhausted the next day.  I do love the dancing though.

I believe The Tumor is also the cause of numerous inappopriate drunk texts I have sent in my life time.  Many of you reading this have been recipients of these. My pardons.  The  Tumor you see.

The Tumor causes me to say things that often, people don’t really want to hear.   I call it The Truth.  I catch a lot of grief for telling it like it is, but I don’t think The Tumor cares.  The Tumor is a harbinger of true tidings.  He knows no other way.

I am sure The Tumor is to blame for a lot of my personality flaws.  Flaws such as my jealousy, my profanity, my affinity for the naughty.  Hey, The Tumor ain’t all bad.

The Tumor also makes me a picky eater.  I don’t like grits, donuts or ice cream.  I hate sweet tea.  Blame The Tumor.

The Tumor also prevents me from turning pets away.  This is why I have 2 cats and 2 dogs.  Apparently it also prevents me from turning away old ladies, as I have 2 of those also.

Sometimes, The Tumor makes it difficult for me to sympathize with people. The Tumor makes it hard for me to feel sorry for people sometimes who make stupid choices, who can’t accept reality, who are just plain foolish. 

One of the major side effects of The Tumor is that I spend too much money.  I spend it on shoes, books, food, my friends, my family, tee shirts, trail mix, unsweetened iced teas, and a myriad other things.  The Tumor will break me.

There is no end to what The Tumor is responsible for.  I think The Tumor may be behind my television addiction as well.  The Tumor may even feed off of the television. 

Perhaps The Tumor is the cause of my insomnia after all these years.  The Tumor doesn’t need sleep.