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Archive for September 16th, 2007

Rikki Tikki Tumor

(this is probably my most favorite blog ever.  i still laugh when i read it.  originally posted December 11, 2007.)

So, it’s official.  I have a brain tumor.  Okay.  Okay.  Maybe “official” is stretching things as I have yet to get a doctor’s diagnosis, but I know what I know.  I have had this brain tumor for many years.  It is so obvious to me now…

The Tumor has been the cause of numerous migraines.  I am sure it has caused other headaches too, all coming after I have had far too much vodka.  Damned tumor.

Aside from the pain, is the more important side effect of erratic, irrational and foolish behavior.  The Tumor prevents me from keeping my check book properly up to date, resulting in a bounced check or two over the years.

The Tumor has definitely caused me to kiss the wrong boys.   And not kiss the right ones.  Sometimes The Tumor so affects me that I *might* have done some other unsavory acts with some of these wrong boys.  The Tumor also causes me to like kissing these boys.  It’s The Tumor. I’m not to be blamed.

The Tumor has caused me to quit wonderful jobs which I love (teaching) and go back to crappy jobs I never really liked (paralegal).  The Tumor is a treacherous and unpredictable wretch.

Once The Tumor even caused me to fall in love for four years and waste all of my good years on one boy, when I had many other suitors.  The Tumor doesn’t care about heart break and misery. The Tumor lives for it.

The Tumor often causes me to drink too much, stay out too late and dance too long, leaving me exhausted the next day.  I do love the dancing though.

I believe The Tumor is also the cause of numerous inappopriate drunk texts I have sent in my life time.  Many of you reading this have been recipients of these. My pardons.  The  Tumor you see.

The Tumor causes me to say things that often, people don’t really want to hear.   I call it The Truth.  I catch a lot of grief for telling it like it is, but I don’t think The Tumor cares.  The Tumor is a harbinger of true tidings.  He knows no other way.

I am sure The Tumor is to blame for a lot of my personality flaws.  Flaws such as my jealousy, my profanity, my affinity for the naughty.  Hey, The Tumor ain’t all bad.

The Tumor also makes me a picky eater.  I don’t like grits, donuts or ice cream.  I hate sweet tea.  Blame The Tumor.

The Tumor also prevents me from turning pets away.  This is why I have 2 cats and 2 dogs.  Apparently it also prevents me from turning away old ladies, as I have 2 of those also.

Sometimes, The Tumor makes it difficult for me to sympathize with people. The Tumor makes it hard for me to feel sorry for people sometimes who make stupid choices, who can’t accept reality, who are just plain foolish. 

One of the major side effects of The Tumor is that I spend too much money.  I spend it on shoes, books, food, my friends, my family, tee shirts, trail mix, unsweetened iced teas, and a myriad other things.  The Tumor will break me.

There is no end to what The Tumor is responsible for.  I think The Tumor may be behind my television addiction as well.  The Tumor may even feed off of the television. 

Perhaps The Tumor is the cause of my insomnia after all these years.  The Tumor doesn’t need sleep. 

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(originally posted january 17, 2007, but I think it warrants a repost)

The Polygamy of Women.  This is something Jill and I have bandied about repeatedly throughout the years.  Men, although, they may want variety in the number of sexual partners they have, they really can be taken care of by one wife.  Women on the other hand have a much broader need for a variety of men.  Not for sex, well not for sex alone.  Women need many husbands*+ to perform many duties:

The Fixer:  This husband is in charge of fixing the broken stuff around the house.  Loose doorknob?  He’s on it.  Need a light bulb changed?  He’s your man.  The Fixer should not be confused with The Builder (See Below). The Fixer only fixes things made by other people.  He does not create.  (Disclaimer: Often The Fixer and The Builder CAN be found in the same man)

The Builder:  The Builder is the one who makes things for you and the house. He makes the lovely garden bench for the back yard.  He can whip up a set of bookshelves in a heartbeat.  If you want to lay down hardwood floors, he can get the fixer to help him.  He is not just a handy man, like The Fixer; he is a craftsman, an artist of sorts.  Often, he, The Fixer and The Decorator can work together to complete fabulous projects in the home.

The Adventurer:  This husband will go on The Amazing Race with you.  He will tak you S.C.U.B.A. diving in Belize.  You will climb mountains in Germany.    You will take a photo safari to Africa.  He will never grow up, but you will never have a dull moment.

The Chef:  I mean, if you’re going to have a harem, you HAVE to have a chef.  Remember that this husband will be cooking for all of you, so it will be a daunting task, depending upon how many husbands you decide to have.

The Decorator:  Now this husband is certainly a must. He will have your house looking fabulous.  Your furniture will be rich and beautiful, yet useful and family friendly.  Your art will reflect the collective personalities of your family.  You will only sleep on 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.  You will have state of the art appliances for The Obsessive Compulsive Cleaner (a.k.a. Monk) to keep your house in tip top shape.

The Mechanic:  This is a favorite of all the husbands and the wife.  No one likes to pay a freakin’ mechanic!   And this husband is often a car fanatic anyway, so you’re cars will always be washed as well.

The Lover:  This man will do nothing but pleasure you.  Well, he’ll probably have a “real job”, but his main purpose in life is to bring you to the O, repeatedly.  You need to choose this one carefully, the author suggests “scouting” around until you find the one who blows your mind, then nab him if you can. You, will have sex with the other husbands as well, but this will be the one you crave daily.

The Nurturer: This is the husband who will hold your hand while you’re in labor.  He’ll make sure you have all of your favorite bath scents for your long hot soaks in your fabulous tub that The Decorator picked out for you.  On occasion, he might even keep you company while you soak and relax.  This husband will most likely be the most useful in rearing your children.  He will listen to your complaints about the other husbands and keep you confidence.  He will always remember your birthday and anniversary.  Flowers will arrive for no reason, just because.  Little gifts will appear on your pillow.  He’ll remember that you love tulips and hate roses. 

The Gardener: Although I love to plant things and prune and water my pretty flowers, I do NOT like to mow the lawn or rake.  I would actually more readily mow than rake.  Luckily, I have my allergies to blame for not doing these things.   I don’t even care about weeds in the lawn.  But The Gardener? He will be all over this!  His goals will ensure that you have the greenest lawn in the commune.  Greener and nicer than Hank Hill.   He will prune those hydrangeas and keep the red tips from getting the fungus.  He may even be hot enough to work shirtless.

The Techie:  This little techno geek will keep your stereo, computers, television, mp3 players and other gadgetry  so up to date Steve Jobs will be calling you for advice on the newest and coolest.

The Doctor: Who the hell doesn’t want a doctor in the family for free medical advice and drug samples?

The Obsessive Compulsive Cleaner:  He will clean your house all the time until it’s immaculate!  Need I elaborate further??

The Lawyer: Free legal advice.  Duh.

The Pool Boy: This is the one Jill and I have pondered the most about.  We are constantly scouting out the possibilities.  Rhett helps us, too.  And Jim.  And Sally.  This Husband needs to be young and buff.  He will walk around in a cute box cut bathing suit while he serves us fruity, frozen, liquor drinks. He must also keep my pool a sparkling clear oasis for the family, but mainly for me.

The Intellectual:  Sex isn’t everything (don’t laugh! some people really think this!) and you won’t always want to have it (Again, I have heard this is true.)  When you’re not having sex, or basking in the sun, you will need someone with whom to have an intelligent conversation.  You will want a man who can discuss politics, books, current events, and big ideas.  (WARNING: you don’t want a Mr. Know-It-All.)

The Movie Buff: Not everyone will want this husband.  Not everyone likes to go to movies.  This is interchangeable and could really be called The Favorite Past Time Husband as well.  You might like antiquing, or scrap booking.  Maybe you like to go to karaoke.  Fill in the blanks.

The Masseuse:  The Masseuse.  Who the hell wouldn’t want this?  The Masseuse will keep your back in great health.  You will be relaxed and at ease with the Masseuse.  He will always have your favorite scents burning and maybe even give you a happy ending. Or two. Or three. *Please keep in mind that you may not need all these husbands. Some of the husbands might have dual talents and thus eliminate the need for the number of men in the family.  +Feel free to marry gay men and women if that’s your thing.  Sometimes the gay man will be a wonderful husband in some of the less traditional male roles.

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Last weekend, my niece and I met my friend Jill, and her daughter at Panera Bread. I got a sandwich on some fancy bread, like some asiago cheese and herb ciabatta bread or something similar.  The girl at the register asked me what i wanted for my side:

“What are my choices”, I asked.

“An apple, chips, a wheat roll or a white roll”, she replied, chipperly.

I just looked at her.  “Bread is my side for bread?”

She looked a little taken aback, like *I* was the crazy one.  “Well, yes ma’am.”

I said, “I can understand a roll with my salad or my soup, but with a SANDWICH?  Those are my only choices?”

I was floored. Who in the hell wants more bread with a very bready sandwich? “I don’t want anything. I don’t really want bread with my bread.”

I mean, I could have gotten apple or chips, but I have braces, so an apple is really out of the question.  Chips aren’t really the healthy choice right?

I think she was a little ticked off at me because I found bread as my side to be a little insane. NOTE TO SELF: get soup and a salad next time.

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