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OK, I have been pretty open about the whole “I’m going to try to the online dating thing”.  In December, I filled out a profile for OK Cupid.  I have actually had some pretty decent success on this one.  I’ve gone on a few dates.  I do have a couple of complaints (of course).  It specifically states in my profile that I am looking for a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.  So why then, do these guys who just want to get laid have a casual affair continue to contact me? PLEASE READ!!!  Also, in a similar vein.  why do you guys have long term relationship as one of the things you’re looking for when clearly you’re not looking past how to get me out of my panties.

Unfortunately for me, I am at an age where most of the men I am meeting have been married and divorced and are bitter about love and relationships again.  Thanks bitchy, cheating women for making my life difficult.  Granted, I CAN be a bitch, but I have never cheated one someone, so why should I have to suffer?  Most of the guys I meet are ready to be a 20 something bachelor again, whereas I am ready to finally settle down and get married. I’ve even gone out with guys I would normally say no to.  I’ll keep trying I guess.

Being a Finney Girl is a hard task.

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Sometimes, I have a dream about you, and it just rips me back twenty years. My heart breaks all over again. You used to say I would be the one to leave first, but I told you it would be you. I knew I would love you through everything, and I would have.  I might still. Some days I am pretty sure I’m over it, but other days I am sure there will always be the lion’s share of my heart that still has your initials carved in it.  Those out of the blue dreams are always so bittersweet. They are always so sweet and innocent, so real. Then I wake up and remember that it hasn’t been that way in decades.

I wish I could be more resolute when I sleep, more determined to keep you out of that vulnerable zone.  I don’t even think I want the you of today.  I think I want the us of yesterday.  I’m no romantic fool.  I don’t pine for you, but I do think I miss what we could have had. I do know that I have never in my life loved someone the same way, so openly, so completely.  I think I have managed to guard against that heartbreak again.  I try to lower that shield sometimes, but it always ends up in a disappointment, but disappointment is far easier to overcome than heartbreak.

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I am a girl born in “The South”.  I speak with an accent, thanks to 4 years of college with my best friend, Amy Jo (yes, that’s her real name). Growing up I heard, “Where are you from? You talk fuuunny?”  My response, “I talk like the rest of my family, YOU talk funny.” I did develop a twang, but even now, it’s not as bad as some of my friends.  I don’t know that I would call myself a true “Southern Girl”, as there are many qualities of such that I don’t possess.

First of all, and the main reason for revocation of my Southern Girl membership, I do NOT like grits.  I not only don’t like them; I HATE them. I would have to be starving for days to even consider eating them, and even then I’d probably wait another day or two.   I was the sort of child (and the same sort of adult) who I would NOT eat something I didn’t like.  If I don’t like it, that’s all there is to it.  I have gone hungry and thirsty more than once because something I didn’t care for was served at a meal.

The second reason and one the largest number of people find most abhorrent and unacceptable: I don’t drink sweet tea or as it is also known, sugar tea.  I never have drank and never will.  It tastes like drinking syrup. I prefer mine strong, unsweetened, lots of ice and NO lemon, thankyouverymuch.

Now, most people are aware that girls in The South grow up on football.  I was raised by a group of women from Indiana, so I was raised up on basketball.  I hate football, and all things football-related, except tail-gaiting; that is ONE southern trait I DO possess, the love of a good party! I don’t care who wins, loses, who is ranked,etc.  I live in a VERY college football oriented town, so it is everywhere! I do like home game days because the stores are little more empty, and I can find a good parking spot.

I can’t fry chicken or make white gravy.

I do have some Southern Girl traits, but I think not enough to make me full-fledged, which I could never be anyway, because my generation of the family is the first born in The South, so I wouldn’t qualify regardless. I can plant a seed in a man’s mind, and he’ll think he came up with it on his own.  I know how to bait a hook, skin a catfish; I’ve sat in a deer stand, bored to tears mind you.  I’ve checked trot lines.  I’ve caught lightning bugs.  I know a little bit about a car, and I can recognize a nice outboard motor.  I love the lowcountry of South Carolina and would claim it over any other place on the planet as home. I’m not blond haired or blue eyed.  I never went to my own débutante ball, but I did accompany a young man to his dilettante ball.  I know how to take the sting out of a fire ant bite or a bee sting.

I’m not a full-fledged Hoosier, and I can’t count my relatives back to The Original 13 Colonies.  I’m just like the majority of the country, a mutt created from an immigrant Irish grandfather and a grandmother with English bloodlines, my mother was created from them and I was created from her and a Cherokee father.  I think I’m doing okay without my pedigree.

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I have been on Facebook for a while now.  Since then, I have learned that several guys I went to high school and college with always wanted to ask me out but didn’t! At first, I was thinking, “Damn!  If you guys had stepped up, I wouldn’t have been dateless all through high school!”  Okay, It wasn’t that serious. I did have dates, but the  guys who have fessed up to me were definitely guys I would have gone out with, at least once.  I am not uppity, nor do I think I’m some goddess in flip flops. I AM picky, but mainly I’m picky in that I won’t date drug addicts, men who look like hobbits, trolls or ewoks, men who act like assholes to servers, old people or children, men who are not too bright, and men who take the world and themselves far too seriously.  Besides, I went to school with some pretty awesome guys, who I would have dated, except for a couple.

The men in college (and I use the term “men” loosely considering we were 18 to 22) didn’t stand a chance. I was completely in love.  I did have guys man up and ask me out, tell me to dump Bryan, date them, etc. It didn’t work, I was smitten and no cute hippie boy could sway me.  I wonder how my life would be different if I had said yes to Scott, Jeff or Craig (who is a doctor and was completely in love with me), but I don’t regret my decisions. The only regrets I do have don’t involve my love life at all.

After I thought about it, I realized those scaredy cat high school boys weren’t to blame. It’s hard enough to ask a girl out, but a girl who is full of confidence, realizes her own potential and future greatness? It would be easier to run naked through a football game. I have always been brazen and opinionated, not always top qualifications for a girl growing up in SC who was a little odd to begin with.  I should have made it easier for them but not seeming like a friend or a buddy. I was a flirt, but I was an equal opportunity flirt.  Bryan often commented on that, but he didn’t mind.  He understood that was just my way.  I also think that as amazing as this might seem to someone who doesn’t know me, I was a little scared myself.  I was scared for different reasons though.  I didn’t want to grow up and make mistakes my mother had made.  I WAS going to college, and I WAS NOT going to get knocked up in high school.  I kept boys at arm’s length oftentimes.  However, even now, if I set my sites on you.  You’re pretty much doomed. It’s rare that I don’t “get my man”

Now, I’m 42, never married and still not much of a dater,and I’m okay with that, because I suck at it.  I’m good at relationships, but I feel so awkward on dates.  This is probably why most of the guys I have dated were guys I was already friends with.

I wonder if any 25 years when I’m sixty, some old friend is going to come u to me at funeral or an bird buffet and tell me he always wanted to ask me out, but didn’t.  It reminds me of our friend Margie who passed away a couple of years ago.  This older man who no one knew was at her funeral and when her sister asked who he was, he told her that he had gone to college with Margie.  He said he had always been  in love with her but was too afraid of rejection to tell her how he felt. How sad for both of them.  Imagine the life they could have had? If he never married and loved her without being with her, imagine how much love they would have shared had he made that move.

So what Facebook has taught me is to Go for it.  Whether I will follow through, I will have to wait and see.

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When my grandmother, the one constant in my life, died almost four years ago, she was cremated.  Her “cremains” were basically divided between me, my aunt, my sister, my sister-out-law and a plastic bag, with me getting the bulk of them. I keep her ashes in a walnut box designed for such purpose.  It has THE HOBB engraved on top. There is a plastic container which holds her ashes safely in the box. Around the edges of the box there is some space.  Whenever I find things that remind me of her, or belonged to her, that are small, I place them in the box with her. When her cat, Higgins, passed away, I put his collar in the box.  I have a lock of hair I cut off of her head the last time I cut it. If I find random coins, they go in there because she always wanted my change.  There are other little random things I find and stick in their. Today, I received a quarter, with Gettysburg on the back.  I put that in there, too.  That was our favorite vacation together.

I miss her every single day, but little things like this make me feel closer to her.

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UGH!  So, I am getting my ass in shape.  I want to do the USMC Mud Run next year.  Today, I met with a trainer at Gold’s Gym.  He asked all sorts of health- and body-related questions:  “What are your top goals?” “When do you feel you were at your best physical state?” “How committed are you?”  “Are there any big events that are motivating you?”  I found out that it is not going to take me as long to reach my goals (less than a year).  My real age is 41.  My health age is 45.  Not too shabby. I think.   I refuse (in a traditional female way) to post my weight on the world wide web, but it’s NOT what I want it to be.  It will be!

Today’s trainer, Duston, was hilarious, and he kicked my ass in just a few minutes!  He was lighthearted, but made me push myself.  He was born the year I graduated high school, so we decided this was a good omen to get back to my high school self! (or really just close to it)  I decided to dole out the money for a weekly (not more!) trainer to keep me accountable and on target.  After considering it, I determined that I wanted to be healthy and fit, more than I wanted to go out, buy new shoes (maybe not more than I want new books), and mainly more than I wanted to hand over money to doctors because I was unhealthy.  Luckily, I haven’t reached that stage yet – the diabetes/high blood pressure/high cholesterol stage. Forunately for me, I have never smoked.  That is such a huge factor.

This time 12 months from now, I will have reached ALL of my fitness goals.  That just seems like not time at all!  I can tell you, after busting my ass tonight, I do NOT want to add anymore to what I am trying to get rid of!  Geez!  So, it’s 3 days of weight training 4-5 days of cardio, 3-4 days of strength training, and I am going to add some yoga as well.  Before I add the yoga, I am going to have to learn those positions so I don’t look like a bigger dumbass!  Ha!

I want to be fit and strong for three reasons:

1- The Mud Run 2011

2- My 25 high school reunion is coming up (fuckin’ ay, i’m old!)

3- I will be 42 next year

Those are all excellent reasons I think.  I am doing this for me.  I have spent my entire adult life taking care of everyone else.  I am going to start putting  me first, because frankly no one else does or has sin I was a child.  I am not sad about this; it’s just something that has been, but doesn’t have to be any longer.

In addition to upping my physicality, I am paying  closer attention to my food intake.  Cheese, my beloved cheese, we can be together no more.  Or not much anyway.  I bought 99% fat free turkey tonight for sandwiches AND NO CHEESE OR MAYO!  I bought lots of veggies, fruits, yogurt, grains, legumes and some fat free milk for my Cheerios and oatmeal.  I am not going to cut myself off completely because that’s not realistic for certain situations: The State Fair, Thanksgiving and the Free For All.  French fries are officially off the menu, except for the Fair!  I rarely drink sodas, unless I have an upset stomach, so that’s not a problem.  I drink tons of water and unsweetened tea. I just really need to work out more and harder.

I am really glad I have been walking 3-5 miles pretty regularly or I would really feel like shit tonight!

So my achy thighs will now go to bed! Tomorrow at 6, back to the trainer!  Stay tuned.

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For all of my bravado and audacity, I only show people about 70% of what I really am.  I usually say what I am thinking, but always know, I’m holding back just a bit.  Inside, I am usually repressing some feeling or thought that I think it’s safest to leave unspoken.  Safest for me.  I am generally, not concerned about how it will make me appear to most of the population, but I have gotten so used to agreeing to do things I really don’t want to do that it’s only a rare few that gets the gritty truth.  I have probably only revealed romantic interest in 5% of the men to whom I’ve actually been attracted. It’s much safer to not step out on that limb.  This I have learned the hard way.  I am not a heart on my sleeve kind of girl with my emotions, except those of the pissed off variety, but even those, I often tamp down – it’s usually not worth the uproar.  But for sure, sadness, disappointment, unrequited love – those will remain on the down-low, controlled and only displayed to a select few, no matter how raw or painful.

I often wish I could have grown up a crazy one.  The one who drinks daily, smokes weed, snorts, shoots up, doesn’t work, sleeps, mooches, disappoints, but most importantly, does so with  reckless uncaring abandon – regarding those who care for them.  I would love to just give in to insanity and blame all of my problems, failures, insecurities on some one thing or person.  The idea of just sitting in a mental hospital on drugs and telling people what they want to hear is appealing.  Unfortunately, at some point they’d see through my ruse.  They’d know I’m no more crazy than the next man or woman.   The ironic thing about this, I am pretty sure I”m in the majority.

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So, it’s been a while since I have done shown some love (and some unlove)

Things I am loving right now:

**almond bear claws from Publix

**teen lit

**my new teaching ideas

**snapped

**fresh, new razor cartridges

**the promise of fall in the air some mornings

**the reminder of summer in the air most afternoons

**planning my halloween costume

**playing with Matthew

**my new clinique mascara

**walker’s short bread

**my friends

**all of my dog/house/pool sitting jobs

**tammy’s pimento cheese

**thinking about the SC State Fair in a month!!

**reading my students’ journals (my favorite of which was a funny, cute account of trying to get Justin Beiber’s phone number on Twitter)

**our seventh graders this year

**ginger ale

**goat cheese

**sushi

**orbit spearmint gum

**my kitties

**a certain man who can always make me laugh

**movies

**new tv line ups

**project runway

**tim gunn telling off one of the contestants on PR

**Pinnacle whipped cream vodka with orange juice

**Jon Stewart and The Daily Show

**HeelTastic

**new season of The Amazing Race in two weeks!
Stuff I am not loving….

>>fall allergy season (achoooo)

>>car repairs

>>itchiness

>>being too busy to walk (which will be rectified this week!)

>>my  tan is fading

>>extremists who are intolerant

>>the stinkiness of the river

>>lazy students

>>my messy room

>>judgmental people who don’t know what they’re talking about

>>not being a trustfund baby or lottery winner

>>reruns

>>those ankle boot sandals mutations

>>jelly shoes

>>katy perry songs (all of them)

>>my spilling everything

>>my crappy old ass mattress

>>my crappy ankle

>>white chocolate

>>raspberry anything

>>lemon anything

>>the new cherry 7UP formula

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I hate my brain!  I have been reminded about this a lot lately.  I have a notorious habit of thinking “the fun out of things”.

My brain never shuts down.  I think that this is why I have trouble sleeping.  I get in the bed and close my eyes and immediately forty things flood in.  I will worry and think about money, people, plans, you name it.  It doesn’t even have to be worry.  I can also just be consumed with thinking about random things from the day, maybe something one of my students said, or something I read or saw on TV.

I always have this problem when I am dating someone.  We start dating.  I like them, but then I start thinking, what if this is just some crazy endorphine-crazed attraction?  What if after a couple of months he gets on my nerves, or I piss him off?  What if I turn out not to be what he thought I was?  He’s really nice, but what if I meet someone I like better, or what if he meets someone he likes MORE?  SHUT UP BRAIN!!!!!

Then, with jobs, what if I get a job and then don’t like the people with whom I work?  I don’t really worry about not being able to do my job.  I can learn to do anything, and I’m pretty fearless.  Now that I have been teaching at the same place for years, I don’t really have the stress of not liking my co-workers.  I work with a great group of teachers, regardless of our faults and quirks.  I KNOW I can teach, and I like my kids, so work is always fun, even if it is hectic and frustrating.  I know it’s because I’m manic and compulsive so that I am compelled to not stop thinking about thing or people.

I think the over active brain is one of the reasons I have always liked writing and reading. If I am reading, I am generally ONLY reading.  I am not thinking about a lot of stuff. Writing helps get a lot of the gibberish out of my head.

Ok, I don’t rally hate my brain unless it is causing me some dilemma.  I like it when it is telling me:  Take your drunk ass home and DO NOT call that boy or text that boy or…..you know…

Generally the brain has helped me be pretty rational and not too emotional.  Although in the past it has gotten me into trouble, but i think it’s more “The  Tumor (see former blogs) than my brain.
When I have a problem or situation that I need to resolve, my brain is in overdrive. I will be thinking and formulating plans and almost not even realize it.  I guess, overall my brain and I maintain a love/hate relationship.  It’s one that has been going on for so long, I don’t really think I would want to end it.  Weird, huh?

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Dear Teachers:

This is to all of the teachers, professors, TA’s and anyone else who tried to teach me as a student in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, paralegal school or grad school.

Now that I teach middle school, I feel your pain, your pride, your disappointments, your fear and your amusement.  I am sorry I talked while you were trying to teach me about genetics or the Enola Gay, or, more likely than not, for reading something other than the assigned materials.  Please forgive me for being unmotivated and underachieving, for just wanting to turn in something that was just “good enough” and not always “my best”.  I know now that you didn’t want perfection, you just wanted my best, whatever that might have been.

To my elementary school teachers, thank you a million times over for your patience and judgment.  If it weren’t for you, I would probably have been pumped full of medications to calm and focus me.  Instead, you allowed me to work at my own pace, even though that meant I finished the day’s work within an hour.  Thank you for having the wisdom to know this was okay, and to just give me an open-ended pass to the library where I was able to sit quietly and calmly and read.  It was your great judgment and experience, Miss Judy Mills, that provided me with this chance to stay out of trouble and delve into a million different worlds each day. Thank you to the Librarian, Miss Ida Williams-now-Thompson, who went to the middle school (which I now work at!) to check out books for me when I had surpassed the topical and reading levels of our own elementary school.  As a teacher, I am not able to spot those kids who are too smart and plain bored in my classroom and I request that they be tested for gifted and talented programs, like Mrs. Dominic did for me in 2nd grade.   I don’t let them off the hook for misbehaving, but I don’t write them off either.   I have made them write sentence such as “I WILL NOT TALK DURING CLASS”, like the many sentences I had to write for Mrs. Childers in 3rd grade.  I also credit her with my vast vocabulary, acquired by writing dictionary pages at lunch time for her, earned by my talking during class time.  I even give lunch detention in the same fashion that Mrs. Dawkins and Mrs. Lorick gave it to me in 4th and 5th grade.

I remember that my students are just children who need to be taught proper behavior by someone, even if it’s me.  I keep in mind that some of my kids come from poorer backgrounds and try not to make them feel small or inferior.  I provide them with coats or shoes, pencils or paper.  I keep in mind that like my grandmother, not all adults have had a positive experience with teachers and school, so I treat them with dignity and respect at all times when dealing with their  children.

Many regards to the middle school teachers who tolerated me and all of my pubescent classmates as we struggled to get through this horrible age.  School was in no way important to me then.  All I cared about was not starting my period in Social Studies class, hanging out at Putt Putt and who was cute and who was going with whom.  Forgive me once again, Mrs. Redmond, for calling you Medusa in a note I was passing to Patrice Murray, that Rhett Bigby got confiscated.  I really didn’t mean and really felt bad. Thank you for accepting my apology then, and know that I learned more from that lesson than I did about science the entire time I was in 8th grade.  I am sorry Mrs. Dicks that I joined in the foolish talk that your husband’s name was “Harry”.  We were stupid and penis jokes were funny.   Thank you Mrs. Smith for telling me to stop reading Where the Red Fern Grows before Old Dan saved Billy from the mountain lion, and even worse, when Little Ann dies of starvation at Old Dan’s grave.  I sobbed like a baby that night and would have been mortified to have had that heaving, snotty nose bawl-fest in front of my classmantes.  (I am tearing up just thinking about those last few pages of that amazing book!) Thank you to the principal I work for now who remembers me as one of his students at this middle school and hired me anyway.

A begrudging thanks to those teachers at Dreher High School who tried to motivate me to stay in the Honors classes, and were disappointed when I moved to College Prep because it was easier and required little to no work on my part.  You were right.  There I said it. I DID need to be in those classes.  I didn’t know how to study in the most effective manner when I started college.  Thank you Mrs. Cauthen and Mrs. Gilmore for putting up with my pretentious reading habits and refusal to read assigned materials that I was uninterested in. Now when my students tell me how stupid or boring some story is, I am getting what I deserve.  While I never would have blatantly said this, I often thought it and just passive aggressively refused to read.  Luckily, most of you summarized so well, that I never had to.  Mrs. Gilmore, thank you for making me read A Separate Peace and The Catcher In the Rye.  However, I can never forgive you for Red Badge of Courage.  Thank you to the teachers who refrained from writing me up on a referral when I talked too much, and instead sent me to guidance, where I was put to work utilizing my office skills I had learned in my after-school job.  Now, when my student will just not shut up, I don’t write them up.  I find an alternative method of redirecting their energies.  Or I do as you did, and send them to someone else.  Thank you to Klein who forced me to show respect and didn’t allow me to call teachers by their first names, even if I knew them on a different level (like at my church). Now, I tell my students, “When you have a college degree, I will be Kim to you. Then we are equals.  Now, and until then, we are not.” I am sorry, Mrs. Masdonati for arguing with you and telling I would never need to know the formula for measuring my headlight on my car because I could just take it to NAPA for the part (even though I was right, and that’s exactly what I do now.) But don’t fret Math teachers, I DID learn some algebra, and more than a little geometry, and I am amazed every time I help a student with their math homework and actually know what I am doing and get the answer correct!

My poor, poor college professors.  I know you cared less about how I did in your classes, but I also know, as an educator, you just can’t help but wish some of us would work a little harder – at least to our potential.  Thank you most of all to Dr. C. C. Hunt for her sarcasm, wit and enormous book collection to all three of which I strive to meet or surpass on a daily basis. I can only blame it on falling in love, working, and really just wanting to have fun.  Thank you to Dr. Anna Katona for being such an inflexible, unyielding bitch, so that I could have an example of now I DIDN’T want to teach or treat students. I don’t really regret it, but I promise, that phase is over, and I am a stellar A student now.

Joe Mallini, I am NOT sorry I argued and debated the issues of law with you on a near-daily basis! It made the classes invigorating and informative for me. I only regret that you aren’t around any more and won’t be able to say I told you so, when I finally go to law school. Phil Mace, I am not sure how I learned a bit in your class, given your flaky, disjointed, absent-minded professor method of teaching, but to this day I think I learned more in Family Law than maybe any class except Wills, Trust and Probate.

As for grad school, thank you Linda Hall for helping me realize that as an educator and female leader, it is my duty to influence practice, procedure, administration and laws surrounding the education of our children.

So, to all of you who had a hand in The Education of Little Me, Thanks.  I haven’t forgotten what a pain in the ass I know I was.  So just know that I am getting my just desserts when my students who are BRILLIANT, but infamously LAZY refuse to work.  Know that I haven’t forgotten the punishments, rewards, equalities and inequalities meted out any of you, and that I use them daily.

Those of you who deal with or interact with children, please remember that they are watching everything you do and say and are absorbing and processing it all to use in their own “tool kit” for survival as adults.  Be firm, be gentle, be amused, be forgiving, be flexible, be fair, be just, be available, be there.

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