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Archive for the ‘babies’ Category

I am getting a hysterectomy in a month.  While this is bittersweet, the plus side I am focusing on is that my iron levels should increase.  Granted, I have been anemic since childhood, but I am hoping that this procedure will up that hemoglobin.  I complain about a lot of things: Donald Trump, Republicans, the patriarchy, fruit and meat together, people who back into parking places, people who don’t watch their kids in restaurants, Donald Trump, non voters, etc.  BUT, I rarely complain about how I feel, unless it’s like a “man, I am getting a cold” kind of complaint.  I also have a pretty high pain tolerance.

I have been doing some research on anemia, and I had NO idea of all the ways it affects your body.  The first is fatigue.  Obviously, I am tired all of the time.  I just thought it was because I am old and fat.  It’s like a big circle.  I’m fat because I am too tired to do anything when I get home.

Then there is the shortness of breath.  I thought it was just from asthma.  Apparently, this, too, is a symptom.  WHHHHEEEEEZ

My sore legs are a huge problem.   Granted, I have Frankenhoof (I think I have mentioned this before, TL;DR – I have a cadaver ankle), but my leg muscles ache frequently.  I rarely sit still because they ache.  They are aching right now, and I have change sitting positions at least 3 times since I started typing this.

Dry hair, dry skin, itchy scalp.  Got it.

Bad fingernails.  My finger nails are quite thin and what is described as “spoon shaped”.  Didn’t know that was related until I googled “What is wrong with my weird finger nails and how can I fix it”.

The biggie: frequent infections and low immune system.  I catch EVERYTHING the kids bring to school.   I am allergic to at least 51 things in my environment.  (true story, had the tests, got the shots) I am hoping after this my sinus and respiratory infections decrease.

(Just changed leg position)

Headaches.

Paleness.  I get so pale sometimes that one of the women I used to teach with threatened to force feed me liver “because my skin is ghost white and my lips are “bluish” and that isn’t normal. ”

Granted I would gladly have lived with all of these if it meant I could have a baby, but I can’t, so why keep my “lady business” (as my husband refers to it)?  It does nothing but cause me constant pain and discomfort. So this time next month, I hope to be high on pain meds and only a little sad.

 

 

 

 

 

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I am sure most of you are sitting around thinking, “What is going on with Kim’s uterus?”  Obviously, since a woman’s uterus is up for public discussion, this is a natural thought for you to be having.  As you know, Jennings and I have been struggling to have a baby for the nearly 5 years now.  We wanted to do this the natural, romp in the hay way, but that’s not an option for us now. We also can’t buy any eggs and IVF isn’t an option either.  So really, all that was left was adoption, which seems to have stalled out for a while now.

Well, last year, I had horrendous monthly “cycles” (that’s periods for you not of sensitive mindsets).  I won’t get into the disgusting details, but they were the worst experiences each month. After discovering that my uterus was the same size it was when I was 4 months pregnant and we lost our baby, my doctor decided I need to have two procedures.  Apparently, it never returned to normal size.  As we all know, I always have to be the odd ball.  This predicament was not atypical.  Anyway, my doctor had to perform a hysteroscopy and an ablation.  You can look them up if you want to know the details, but they were supposed to help reduce the severity of my periods each month and help shrink my uterus.  Then, I was told, “Now, that you’ve had these procedures, you can under no circumstances become pregnant.”   We’ll decide in a few months if/when we’ll schedule your hysterectomy.

Well, that was that.   It was basically a really emotional, terribly sad time for us.  Admitting that one dream you have had your entire life is now gone is devastating as fuck.  But you pack it up with the other disappointments in life and move forward.

As a result of these procedures, I was taking a low-dose, continual-dose progesterone birth control bill.  Thankfully, it did help my menstrual problems, but it had some side effects.  Oh, I have also been anemic for years, so I take an iron prescription that costs $68 a month, with insurance. With the procedure, the lesser periods and the iron pills my hemoglobin is now up to 12.5!  I have had it as low as 7.9, so everyone was really pleased.  I also have been able to up the hysterectomy off indefinitely, so there’s another plus.  No baby for you, but at least you don’t feel like aliens are shredding your giant uterus.  Meanwhile, the fertility gods will impregnate these fourteen year olds and these drug addicts, and other idiots who can’t take care of themselves much less a baby.

Poor Jennings has suffered greatly.  The primary side effect that I have dealt with is NO LIBIDO.  None.  Now, I am a liker of the sex. Seriously, when it’s consensual and loving, it’s the greatest!  Jennings is patient and loving and kind, so he didn’t put up too much complaint.  On top of that, I was also coming to terms with our infertility, so I was a handful.

Fast forward to today. I went to talk to my doctor, who I really like, and figure out what to do.  I will now be using an IUD.  The doctor says I am not menopausal yet, but when that happens, this will help with that as well.  The doctor was hilarious telling Jennings to watch out because I would be a handful now.  He was laughing and making funny faces like he was really cool picking on Jennings, who was on the phone.  So that’s the latest.

It has been like coming to terms with the death of someone you really love.

I decided to share this intimate store because men love to tell us what to do with our bodies, so I thought they were entitled to the full story.  I deleted the literally gory details, because I know they are quite sensitive so such matters.

And, remember, never ask a couple why they don’t have kids. Or if they want kids. Or whatever else you think is your business, because it’s not.

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I talk a lot, but I don’t always voice the things that are hurting me or causing me anxiety or stress.  I have always been the type of person who puts those hurts and indignities that I suffer in a neat little box in my brain and file it away, slowly building up a thick wall around it.  I can visual my brain as this endless file room full of various sized boxes depending on what needs to be filed away.  I don’t forget, I just harden myself to whatever has occurred.  It has probably made me more jaded and cranky that some folks, but I am better equipped to deal with difficult things if I can force myself to become objective.

I have had a worse life than some and a better life than most.  I have achieved nearly every goal I have set for myself.  College – check.  Grad school – check.  Work in a law firm – check.  Change careers and become a teacher – check. Fix my credit – check.  Find the love of my life – check.   Unfortunately, I have come upon the one goal I will never achieve.  You can call it a goal or a dream, a want or a desire, whatever label you put on it, I will never be able to get pregnant.  Being a mom is something I always wanted.  I always thought about “my kids” and what they’d be like and how it would be.  I may be come a mother, if adoption works out, but I will never know what it’s like to actually be pregnant.

My husband and I endured many miscarriages and finally got pregnant three years ago. I made it past the “danger zone” and told everyone the great news.  A week later, we found out that we had miscarried when we had a routine appointment.  It shredded my heart.  I wailed.  Even as I write this, my heart feels like it’s breaking again.  We went through the procedures you have to after an event like this, but I never really got over it  How do you?  You just put on the mask and move about your day.  I have always been good at masking things and eventually that box gets filed away, and I can move on. I have had other miscarriages since then, but no pregnancies that we ever though were going to be successful, no “this time it will work” moments.  My husband is amazing and understands me so well that even though I don’t want to talk about it and don’t, he knows.

This time last year we had an adoption in the works.  In March, she had the baby, invited us up to see her, hold her and name her, filling out the birth certificate.  We were to take her home on a Tuesday.  By the end of the day that Tuesday, she wasn’t returning calls and we learned that she had changed her mind.  Though I harbor no ill will or animosity towards this girl, it was just another thing to shred my unhealed heart.

Trying to become a mom has been the one failure or disappointment that I can’t get over or tuck away or not think about. I literally think about it every day.  “Oh, I will never wear maternity clothes” as I walk past them in Target.  “If everything had worked out, I would have a baby here this Christmas to buy gifts for.  I have a Christmas ornament I bought during that pregnancy that has never been taken out of the box.  I have a room full of things in my house that were supposed to be used to decorate a nursery.  It just chips away at you a little at a time.  You never know what will cause you to burst into tears.   I have always been considered strong and confident, but this one thing that thousands of women do every day, create a life, future and love it while it grows inside of you, I can’t do.

Now, my doctor tells me he doesn’t want me to get pregnant. I have other issues that will impede the process and possibly kill me if I do it.  No one wants to read about medical details, but I must have a procedure in a week that will prevent me from getting pregnant because it could literally kill me.  Then in May, when I should be planning my summer off and what I’ll be doing with my child, I will be getting a hysterectomy.  I am old. I am almost fifty. We have been trying for 5 years.  In the beginning, I thought we stood a chance.  I think that little spark of hope was my biggest enemy.  I let myself think this would happen.

Not only do I feel like a failure, but I feel like I a depriving my husband of the opportunity to be a dad.  He doesn’t agree and is so loving and supportive, and that makes me feel bad because I don’t feel like I deserve that.  If he hadn’t married someone so old, he’d be able to be a father.  I waited until I was older to get married and have kids.  I wanted to be married and then have a child. I grew up with a grandmother and no mom or dad around.  I didn’t want to repeat that cycle.  I also didn’t meet anyone I wanted to marry.  I never wanted to get married just because other people thought I should.  I wanted to wait for “the one”, and I did.  That I do not regret at all.  He says, he had to marry me, I am his soul mate.  I know he’s mine, too, but that I can’t give him a child breaks my heart even more.

At this point, my heart is a tattered mess.   I don’t want to see a therapist, but I probably will.  I do think that writing this all down is cathartic.  I also think that hopefully, with some actual closure and the spark of hope is gone, I will be able to pack up the box and tuck it far away in my head.  I know that my situation isn’t unique or special, and I am holding out hope that we will be able to adopt, but that, too, must have a deadline. I can’t go on forever hoping that it will happen.

I am not writing this for pity or whatever you want to call it.  Just keep this story in mind when you so freely ask women “Don’t you want to get married?”  “Don’t you want kids?”   First of all, it’s none of your business. Second of all, it could be a subject that brings an onslaught of emotions and pain.

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My husband and I have  tried (happily) to get pregnant since we  were married in 2013.   We have had no success, most likely due to my age.  We decided that at the beginning of January 2017 we would start the process to adopt a baby.  On  New Year’s Eve, we met someone who has a step-daughter who is pregnant.  She is an 18 year old honor student who is in college and doing well.  She does not want children at this time, if ever.  After some discussions, the step-mom agreed to talk to the daughter some more about adoption, which is the option she was going with.  Thankfully, after meeting she agreed to allow us to adopt her baby!  I almost threw up I was so excited, and Jennings cried.  This is something we have wanted for so long and  never thought we’d have,  even with adoption as an option.  We have many friends who have adopted  children or who were adopted themselves.   I was able to get the perspective from different angles, and I still have more questions!

I come from a very small family, and never knew my father or his family.  Jennings comes from an extended family so  big we barely see everyone unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. We always want our baby to know that she or he is adopted and that we chose them for our small family.

The process is so different for everyone, and my husband gets sucked into to Google-land, so what we actually have to do gets confusing!  We finally meet with an attorney next week.  The baby is due on April 14th.  This is all going to be happening FAST.  Adoption is very expensive, so we have created a GoFundMe to help offset the legal, hospital and court fees/costs.  I have attached our story (in more detail) and our donation page.  If you are feeling philanthropic and wish to practice a random act of guidance, please consider helping us in our quest. Our Go Fund Me Page

Gratefully,

Kim

We Are Adopting

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