Incoherent Ramblings

Well, last night I decided I was gonna get a little fancied up.  I took off my glasses and wore contacts, did my hair up pretty good and curly.  It must have looked good because I got lots of compliments and people kept wanting to touch it.  I even put on some make up, did the smokey eye.  I had on a nice satin and lace top, some jeans that did my juicy booty some justice.  Oh hell! I even busted out some cute heels and had my pedicured toes out. I thought I looked pretty presentable.

When I got to Hunter Gatherer last night my friends all yelled my name, clapped and hooted.  HOT DAMN!  I have decided I want to be greeted in this manner at all times! I might even look into getting a guy to walk around with a boom box with my theme song belting out (like i Kentucky Fried Movie).  I was told I looked like a hot mama.  Sally and Crystal agreed, were they lesbians, they’d fuck me.  I took this as a good sign.

We progressed to Art Bar.  More compliments and hair touching. I started on the road to drunkenness helped in large part by Rhett and Stephen and various other of my mo posse.  I was talking to Mett, and I put my eyeball on a cute boy.  I told Mett he was cute, so I started giving him the eye.  You know, the make eye contact, hold it, then look away.  Repeat as necessary.  Well, later that night (after a couple of shots with the mo posse, I decided to ask the friends who were with Cute Glasses Tattoo Boy  what his name was.  They told me it was Travis, and made sure I knew he was straight. Shortly thereafter we starting chatting.  It turns out that Travis is only 24!!  OHMYGOD. Even in my drunken haze I thought. “This boy is too young, even for you”.  We chatted some, and exchanged digits.  I gave him a peck of a kiss (no tongue, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!) He took his sister home.  In the light of sobriety, albeit of the slightly hungover variety, I realized, you can not play with this boy.  He is too shy and nice, and quite possibly a virgin. I had decided to let him know I thought I was too old for him.  Luckily, he never called!! wooohoo!

Now Jill tells me this means I have to get fancy much more often.  I contend that if I am feeling frisky ( a nice word for “horny”), and I set my eyes on someone, I can usually follow through. Sometimes it’s not worth it because I am not looking to fuck someone. That could be accomplished any night of the week.  I want to actually be dating someone if I am having sex with them.  I have been known to do otherwise, but rarely. 

And of course, I don’t want to break Webb’s heart.

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Lately I have been wanting a boyfriend.  I am not the kind of girl who always has to have a boyfriend.  I really like having a boyfriend, but I don’t NEED to have one. I never have. My sister is the opposite.  she was always dating someone.  I haven’t dated someone in about 5 years.  I miss having a man to do things with.  And I don’t mean sex, well not JUST sex.  If I wanted to have sex, I am pretty sure I could have sex. 

What I really miss is the little intimacies that come with dating someone.  I miss the looks that you give each other, and the other person knows what you’re thinking.  I miss the cuddling on the sofa on days like today.  I miss the days when you lay around in bed naked all day, napping, watching tv, making love, napping some more.  I miss the pats on the butt when you pass each other.  My ex-boyfriend Bryan always patted me on the butt as a show of affection.  Once, after we had been broken up for several months, we were hanging out with a bunch of our friends and drinking.  We were playing pool, and when I walked by he patted me on the butt.  I nearly cried because I really missed that. I told him, you lost the right to do that.  He knew that I was right. 

I miss goofy nicknames for each other.  I miss buying silly little treats for each other.  I miss cooking dinner together and watching movies.  I miss going out to bars or parties but knowing that he is keeping one eye on me to make sure I am okay or that no one is makin’ any moves.    I miss kissing. I miss skinny dipping.  I miss going camping and making love outside under the stars.  I miss having conversations with men who aren’t gay, married or like a brother.  I miss watching basketball games together. I miss going to the movies and holding hands.  I miss those moments after you’ve made love where you lay there spent and tired, but laughing and talking.  I miss going on trips and laughing and singing. Those are the things I miss the most.  Of course I miss making love with someone who knows me and loves me and cares about how the experience is going to be for both of us, not just him. 

So, please don’t offer to fuck me because I say I haven’t had sex in a year.    Know that the sex isn’t what I am missing.  (Okay, I DO miss it, but I miss other things more)  Please don’t think that just because I want a boyfriend that makes me in some way weak or pitiful.  I don’t feel pitiful. I feel like I want someone to share intimate moments with.  I feel like that’s normal.  I am not going to compromise.  I am not going to go out with someone just to have some company.  I am not going to drop my panties because I am horny, and you think you have some smooth moves.

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