Incoherent Ramblings

(Originally posted 12/06, reposted because it seems pertinent to the predicament i am in once again) 

I have been thinking about this whole crazy thing called romance.  Well, not necessarily “romance”, more like mate finding.  Here in Columbia there was a recent article on dating in your 30s and how it differs from dating in your 20s, etc.  A friend of mine and I were talking also about how now, when you start dating someone, you can’t just go about it all hedonistically.  You find yourself, whether intentionally or not, thinking about this person’s long term potential.  You think about things like how he doesn’t ever want to marry or have kids.  You might be thinking he is way too into his career to be a good family man, or on the opposite end, he is too irresponsible and doesn’t have any professional goals.  When I was in my 20s I thought, wow, he’s hot.  Or, he is funny, whatever. I didn’t care if he was a waiter or a student.  I didn’t even consider if he ever wanted to get married or have kids.  Honestly, I can say, personally, I don’t really care what someone does for a living.  I would rather the person I marry be happy with what he is doing, regardless of what it is.  Would I love for him to be loving his high-powered job that offered him freedom on nights and weekends with a hefty salary and generous vacation plan? Hell yeah!  Heck, I want that for ME! 

I know that I am not the only person who thinks about these things.  I am sure men have their own set of worries when they start dating a woman: Will she be a good mom?  Will she keep giving me blow jobs after we’re married?  Can she cook?  Does she fuck like a porn star and can still teach Sunday school? You know, the important things.

Of couse we all also have qualifications for our “lovers” and “suitors”. There are certain physical and personality  characteristics that we are attracted to or that we find repulsive.  We don’t always adhere to these strictly, not all of us.  I mean, I prefer tall dark-haired men who don’t smoke. Have a I dated shorter guys? Yes.  Have any of them had light-colored hair? Sure.  Have they smoked?  Unfortunately.  But they were great guys, and I might have missed out on something if I had passed them up.  Of course nothing came of these romantic liaisons, but they were fun while they lasted.  I did do the breaking up.  I am a “breaker upper”.  I don’t like to do it either. I am a nervous wreck and in knots. It literally takes me weeks to end a relationship.  I don’t like to break up at the holidays because that seems so mean.  Then I tell them, oh, let’s only spend $20 on each other this year.  Inevitably, they don’t listen. When I was in college, and even as far back as high school, I would like a guy, like a guy then when he’d like me back, I’d get bored and start ignoring him until he went away.  That was my MO. All my friends knew it.  “Kim, just tell that boy you don’t like him anymore.”  “You need to quit ignoring him”.  Eventualy they all figured it out.  Of course I was foolish and immature.  Now I am confident enough to say, you’re a jackass or drug addict or loser or alcoholic or whatever and i don’t want to date you anymore.

I think what would make all of this much simpler is if we had a store to go to, and we could just do a little check list of qualities we wanted in our mate.  We turn the list over to a young lady or gentleman, who checks the inventory and brings you some possible choices for your mate.. 

TALL, FUNNY, EMPLOYED, SMART, LIKES KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE, NO RACIST TENDANCIES, LIKES TO DANCE, READ AND COOK, ENJOYS MOVIES, HIKING, CAMPING AND WATCHING TELEVISION, HAS NO HOMOPHOBIC INCLINATIONS, IS NOT A LIAR OR A CHEAT, OF STRONG MORAL FIBER, GOOD COMMUNICATOR (THANKS FOR THE REMINDER CURT!),  DEMOCRAT WITH SLIGHT REPUBLICAN LEANINGS WHEN DEALING WITH CRIME AND PUNISHMENT, VOTES, ENJOYS TRAVELING, LIKES BASKETBALL, ISN’T SENSITIVE TO MY SARCASTIC REMARKS, BUT IS SENSITIVE TO MY INSECURITIES AND SLIGHT JEALOUS STREAK, FINDS MY QUIRKS ENDEARING RATHER THAN ANNOYING. 

Miss Finney, here’s a sample of men who meet your qualifications.  Choose the one you like and you’re on your way to mate-hood.  Thanks for shoppign at Mate-Mart.

I know many of you are thinking, uh, Kim, this is called a dating service.  NO!  Not a dating service.  Once you make your choice, you two are stuck with each other.  So you better choose prudently!  Don’t go for the guy with the best smile, check out his credentials on that pamplet they gave you.  Just because she has big boobs, doesn’t mean she’s the one!  Read over her qualifications as a mother and wife in her brochure.  This system does remind me of when I was in high school, we all filled out these little questionnaires and then they ran our names through the computer and we got a printout of the top ten matches for you in the school.  Then we all ran around to see if they matched up.  Like, was I “Tom’s” number one match too?   

Maybe my perfect match is Justin or Matthew.  Okay, probably not.  But I could go in with my list and browse the aisles, Men could come in and check out the females available as well.  Of course we wouldn’t OWN our mates. Payment would merely be a finders fee for the company.  Kind of like a realtor.  “Hey, I am looking for a three bedroom colonial style home in the Shandon area”.  Great, let’s check our inventory.