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When I’m Ten – Conversation with my 6 year old nephew

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, dating, Family, Random Stuff, relationships and romance, Uncategorized on 2012, July 18| Leave a Comment »

Tonight my nephew and I were riding to a friend’s house to go walking to the park. While we were driving we had the following conversation:

K (me) – Mattie, do you have a girlfriend?

M – No, but Riley does

K – He does? How do you feel about that?

M – It’s okay. Do you have a boyfriend, Kitty?

K – No.  What would you think if Kitty got a boyfriend?

M – It would be good.

K – So you would like that?

M – Yes, we could all hang out and watch Transformers.

K – Oh, is that what you want us to do?

M – Yes.  It will be fun. I will get a girlfriend when I am ten.  I want to get a girlfriend and marry her and have children.  Then we’ll move out and live in our own house.

K – Oh? Well, are you going to marry the girl you are dating when you’re ten?

M – yes.

K – Don’t you want to move out of your house before you get married and have children?

M – No.

K – Are you just going to live with Mommy then until you get married and have children.

M – Yes.

K – Well what if you meet a different girl in college?

M – I’m going to college when I’m TEN??

K – No, when you’re 18.

M –  Oh, well I will not have a new girlfriend. Would you like for me to have a girlfriend, Kitty?

K – Oh yes! I would drive you to the park to play together.  Do you want a girlfriend with blonde hair like Annie and Sammie or with hair like Kitty and Mommy.

M – Blonde. Sammie is good.

k – Do you like Sammie?

M – Yes.  I don’t think I want a girlfriend I don’t know, and I already know her. So it will be good.

K – Sammie is pretty, and she’s very sweet.

M – Yes, she is always nice to me. And I know her (apparently that’s his only standard for a girlfriend)

K – What about Annie? She might be jealous. She’s been your girlfriend for a long time.

M – Well, I can have two.  Actually, I will have Annie, Sammie and Claire.

K – Claire can’t be your  girlfriend.  She’s your sister.

M – Ok, well I will just have two then.

K – Girls don’t really like that most of the time.

M – Girls don’t like to share?

K – Not boyfriends

M – Oh, well I will decide when I am ten.

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Random sleep medicine-induced thoughts

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, dating, Family, friends, health and diet, politics, Random Stuff, relationships and romance, Uncategorized on 2012, July 6| 1 Comment »

– Tonight, I have a raging headache that I have been fighting for days. I am now drugged up on Benadryl and Dalmane, hoping for some sleep.

– I have had a roller coaster week, and right now I am on a down slope. I can see a little curve up ahead, but I don’t know if that’s going to take me back up or further down.  I’m not sad, so don’t be sending me all these little pity comments. I am just frustrated, confused, broke and ready for good things to happen on a regular basis.

– It has been a shitty year, and I am ready for the next six months to be awesome. The first six have sucked in a major way.   If there was just one area of my life that was AMAZING, the mediocre parts wouldn’t be as oppressive.

– Really, the problem is I am not used to failing at things I attempt.  (Except Algebra)  Somehow, a specific area of my life has proven time and again to be a failure. Please no homey epithets or clichés.  I am NOT a fatalist.  I am realistic and pragmatic.  I am also about ready to throw in the proverbial towel.

– I have always worried about meat going bad in the fridge, but after hours of watching Food Network, and watching them let meat sit in a marinade for 3 and 4 days, I am rethinking this.

– I was a late bloomer, and did not date a lot in high school.  I didn’t for a while, but this year I tried to be more proactive, but I have at least been going on dates pretty regularly this year. I pretty much hate it. I like being in a relationship, but I hate the dating process.  I hate all that wondering and doubting and insecurity.  This is why it’s just easier to be single.

– I am really baffled by people who still vote for bad politicians. I don’t mean bad as in “evil”, I mean they suck at their jobs.  I am not going to continue to vote for someone who is doing a shitty job just because they have a D beside their name.

– As a child and well into adulthood, I was obsessed with bubblegum and blowing bubbles. I have spent thousands of dollars on Bubble Yum, Hubba Bubba, Fortune gum, Bubblicious, Super Bubble.  Once, I start chewing it, it is almost physically impossible to stop myself.

– I need to find some duck fat and cook something in it. It is apparently the culinary shit.

– I also am beginning to think I need to move to a new state or city.   I don’t think I’m a suitable Southern Girl, which has resulted in my chronic singular status.  Although, on occasion I meet someone who makes me think, maybe…. I am looking at options for relocation within the year. Shhh, don’t tell my friends.

– Parents, you should go ahead and tell kids now that life is going to be hard and nothing will go according to plan.  Right now, my godmother is struggling financially, and I think she’s a bit lonely.  When I was younger money never seemed to strap her like it does now, but she was ill and had to quit working for a while. Now she’s trying to find work, but it’s not easy for a women in her 60s to obtain gainful employment, although she is VERY skilled. I am sure this is not how she planned her twilight years to be. I can guarantee that this is not the adulthood I thought I’d have.

– I wish bacon was low fat and healthy.  I’d be in tip top shape.

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clearing up any confusion

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, Education, politics, Random Stuff, teaching, Uncategorized on 2012, June 26| 2 Comments »

I was recently talking to a new friend, and I got the impression he didn’t fully understand the love I have for my students. To me, teaching is a calling, much like to the priesthood or convent. I don’t make a lot of money; I don’t get much respect. It is my fault if your child is unsuccessful in school. But there is NO other job I can think of that makes me prouder to claim as my profession.  I adore my students – good and bad, smart and simple.  They are just as snarky as I am.  Many of them overcome huge disadvantages just to come to my classroom every day.  I love my students.  When I am at school, I think of your child as being my child. I want only the best for them.  I want success in whatever form they can achieve it. I have had students go on to be successful in a huge variety of ways, professionally and personally.  I love seeing former students.   I have cried for them, laughed with them, been angry with them, been proud of them, but above all I have loved them.  I may be unhappy with the interactions I have with their parents.  I may be disappointed in their performance in my class or other classes.

I  want there to be no doubts about how I feel about my job and my children.  I may complain about certain aspects of my job, but who doesn’t?  When one of my students asked me what I would do if i won a big lottery amount, and my answer is the same. Start my own school.  My standards would be high, but my students would reach, and surpass my ideals for them.

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time flies

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, dating, Education, Family, friends, Random Stuff, Uncategorized on 2012, June 16| 1 Comment »

So, my 25th high school reunion is next weekend.  I am going, though I was torn about it.  I feel like I have no accomplished the things I really wanted to accomplish.  I have three college degrees, including my Masters, and plan to start working on my PhD next year.  The first in my immediate family to graduate from HIGH SCHOOL much less college and grad school.

When I was younger, I used to daydream about my perfect wedding, who would be in it, what they would wear, where we would go on our honeymoon, how many kids we’d have, what their names would be, where we’d all go on vacations, etc.  NONE of that happened.  I have never been married, never even been asked.  A lot of my jaded, divorced friends tell me everyone else is envious of me, but the grass is always greener as the overused-saying goes.  I only sort of feel like I missed out on the husband, but I REALLY did miss out on the kids.  I always wanted to be a mom.  And not to toot my own horn, I’d have been an awesome mom. I see all these little teenagers, skanks, and Casey Anthony having kids they don’t deserve, and it stirs a little disappointment.  Yes, I know I can adopt or be a foster parent. Yes, I am close to my nieces and nephew, but it is not the same at all.

It is no one’s fault really.  I spent those years you use courting and breeding to take care of my grandmother, and have no regrets about that decision at all. I would do it the same way all over again.

So, next weekend, while everyone is talking about their families, I’ll just smile and get drunk.

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Why you have to deal with stupid people

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, Education, Family, politics, Random Stuff, Uncategorized on 2012, June 11| 3 Comments »

If you find yourself wondering why you have to interact with stupid, uneducated, ignorant, and otherwise useless people, please blame school boards, school administrations and parents.  Yes, I said it. PARENTS.  Not all parents, but enough of them.   As a teacher, I have been told to give a student a packet of work and if he/she completes it, give him/her a passing grade. I have refused stating that I have allowed this same student the chance to make up work, re-do work, re-take tests, turn in late assignments. I have stayed after school, given up lunches and come in early.  Yet, I have not once gotten a parent to call me back, attend a conference, email me or otherwise contact me. The school board threatens NO SUMMER SCHOOL every year.  Every year, the students can attend 16 4 hour days and that is supposed to make up for the class they failed. They can do this for up to two classes. I promise you I have seen the worksheets they do, and there is no way they learn anything other than “Hey, I don’t have to do shit all year, and I can come get a free lunch, and they’ll pass me”. Then they get to high school and don’t know shit.

I can promise you when we get them from elementary school, they are already two, three, four years behind. I have had students who are reading on a 1st and 2nd grade level. You can only hold that struggling child back so many times in elementary school before you have to socially promote him.   The same goes for middle school. You can fail them once.  After, they get socially promoted.  For the kids who are “too old”, we now have a computerized program that students take a year or less to complete.  The district and the administration determines which lessons they must complete. NO, it’s NOT all of them. They are taught no research skills, which are higher level, critical thinking skills.  Mind you, if I am evaluated and found to NOT be teaching this skills, I can at the least be chastised and at the most be written up or fired.  Teachers are NOT failing your kids. The “powers that be” are.

I am teaching high school summer school this year.  It is all on the computer. Basically, I, and another teacher, re-mediate as needed.  Otherwise the students are on their own. they must complete a mere 50% with a 70 or better and they can be finished. If they do that in a week, they’re done. If thy do it in five weeks, they’re done. The group we have consists of 9th, 10th, and 11th grades.  The DISTRICT (which I will be happy to remind you is made up primarily of men and women who have not sat in a classroom in YEARS), determined the content.  It is maybe half, MAYBE, of what they should be learning for the year.   I do think it will take most of the students the entire time to accomplish their 50/70 goal, but then what? Next year they’ll be sitting in their next English class completely unprepared.

School boards need to quit letting a handful of high-maintenance parents control them.  They should also be made up of a broader range of stakeholders.  We have a school board member who was a clerk of court for her entire life.  WHAT does she bring to the educational table?  People voted for her, a familiar name, so we’re stuck. There are no teachers on the school board in my district, and it is my understanding that this is how it is in most school districts.  If you think this is only done in my district, you are SORELY mistaken. It is an epidemic in America.   It is why we have fallen behind “lesser” nations.  Our entire school system needs to be scrapped and revamped. I have no problem with computer learning, virtual classrooms, etc. What I do have a problem with is the dumbing down of a curriculum by the district and administration, but when test scores roll in, it will be teachers to blame.  If my students who are with me every day don’t do well on the PASS test or if i taught high school the HSAP and EOC, it will be unspoken that it is MY fault.  So, who is at fault when the student who did NOT pass MY standards in my class is passed along?

Know thine enemy.  Teachers and most parents are the only people looking out for your  children and their education.

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Laughing out Loud

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, Family, Random Stuff, THE HOBB, Uncategorized on 2012, June 10| 2 Comments »

I am going to tell you now, if you fall, I will laugh at you. It’s a family trait.  When I was in college in Charleston, I laughed constantly.  For those of you who don’t know, the entire campus, and much of downtown is paved with bricks, which settle unevenly all the time.  People, including me and my friends, were constantly tripping, and yes falling.  Yes, I DID LAUGH.  It is unavoidable.

When I was younger, my gramma (THE HOBB) worked at the hospital in the canteen, she was the general manager, so whenever anything came up, she had to be there.  I spent late nights sleeping in booths because she had to be there when janitorial stripped and re-waxed the floors.  I went there every single day after school.  Everyone knew me because I was so NOT shy even as a kid.  Well, this one winter when I  was about 8, there was a rare snow/ice storm in Columbia. THE HOBB had to be at the hospital canteen because some of her workers couldn’t be there.  So, since school was canceled, my little sister  and I had to go with her.

Did I mention that we didn’t have a car when I was growing up?  We took the city bus everywhere. Well, on the way TO the hospital, the buses were running, but by the time we could leave, they were not.  We didn’t really live that far from the hospital – a little over a mile.  So, THE HOBB wanted to keep us as dry as possible for our walk home in snow/ice storm.  We had our normal coats, hats, mittens, boots (it was the 70s – boots were “in”) and scarves on.  THE HOBB decides to make us put a giant trash bag over our  clothes to keep us even drier. So, she puts the bags over us, and pokes holes in for our heads and arms.  She then puts her bag on as well.

We begin our trek from Richland Memorial Hospital to our little house behind Earlwood Park.   We get under the overpass, and we are right across the street from the drive in movie theater. If you grew up here you know.   It is now some abandoned warehouse, but was also a SAMS  Club.  OK, so across from the movie theater, but before the train tracks – THE HOBB slides on the slippery ice and down she goes.  She is in this giant trash bag and is just sliding along this decline, and I start laughing uncontrollably.  I can NOT help it.  I am just  laughing so hard I am crying.  My sister is getting so angry with me because THE HOBB has fallen. we sort of run/slide up to her and start helping her up. She is laughing, too.  It was quite possibly one of the funniest moments of my life with gramma. I still get giggly just thinking about it. She wasn’t an old grandmother, probably 46 at that time, maybe 47.

We made it home without any other incidents or accidents.  We laughed about that for the rest of her life.  We would jokingly suggest giant trash bags  when it was snowing, etc.  It became part of the fabric of our story.

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Flashback

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, friends, politics, Random Stuff, teaching, Uncategorized on 2012, March 10| Leave a Comment »

 

In January of 1986, I was in the 11th grade at Dreher High School in Columbia, SC.  I was a library aide for one of my periods.  It was during this period that I was in the library when the Challenger Space Shuttle was scheduled to lift off. In 1986, there wasn’t cable television in every classroom to watch important events like this.  Our special education teacher brought her classroom to the library to watch.  This wasn’t a classroom of children with normal learning abilities, but behavioral disorders.  It was a class with lower IQs and some other disorders.  I remember one little girl in the class was very excited to be watching the take off. With those students, their teacher and aides, the library staff and me, there were less that 20 people in the library, which was very large.  We were all sitting and standing around the television to watch the Challenger take off.

A little over a minute later, what we thought was part of the normal procedure was actually the malfunction and explosion of the shuttle.  A couple of minutes later, the announcer – I don’t recall if it was a reporter or an actual NASA employee – reveals to the spectators on site and the television viewing audience reveals that there has been a “major malfunction” and the shuttle has exploded.

I remember being shocked and sad for the people who were killed. The thing I remember most, however, is this little girl in the class that was watching becoming hysterical and inconsolable.  She just kept yelling, “No, that can’t happen. There is a teacher on that shuttle!”  That’s all she kept saying.  She was crying and yelling. The other kids were being really sweet and trying to calm her down while the teacher was doing the same thing.  The aides took the class back to their room, but the teacher had to take the girl to the office to the nurse so her parents could come get her. That stuck with me more than the image of those curling plumes of smoke I saw on TV.

A few years later, after I was out of college, I saw this girl with her parents at a baseball game I had take my grandma to.  Immediately, I was taken back to that day in the library and wondered if she ever thought about that day, if she ever got sad thinking about it, how it effected her over the years since I’d seen her.  I spoke to her because we had known each other in high school.  She remembered me, and seemed happy. To me her reaction was so pure and raw, so genuine because she didn’t have the constraints and reservations placed on us by how society expects us to act and react.  There have been plenty of times in my life where I wanted to yell “No! That can’t happen like that!”  Unfortunately, I have to hold that in and do my yelling later into my pillow or in the privacy of my house.

Today, on Yahoo!, I saw this link and it reminded me of that girl and made me wonder about her again.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/first-amateur-video-challenger-shuttle-explosion-revealed-185802006.html

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Check Yes or No

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, dating, friends, Random Stuff, relationships and romance, sex on 2011, September 30| Leave a Comment »

I have been on Facebook for a while now.  Since then, I have learned that several guys I went to high school and college with always wanted to ask me out but didn’t! At first, I was thinking, “Damn!  If you guys had stepped up, I wouldn’t have been dateless all through high school!”  Okay, It wasn’t that serious. I did have dates, but the  guys who have fessed up to me were definitely guys I would have gone out with, at least once.  I am not uppity, nor do I think I’m some goddess in flip flops. I AM picky, but mainly I’m picky in that I won’t date drug addicts, men who look like hobbits, trolls or ewoks, men who act like assholes to servers, old people or children, men who are not too bright, and men who take the world and themselves far too seriously.  Besides, I went to school with some pretty awesome guys, who I would have dated, except for a couple.

The men in college (and I use the term “men” loosely considering we were 18 to 22) didn’t stand a chance. I was completely in love.  I did have guys man up and ask me out, tell me to dump Bryan, date them, etc. It didn’t work, I was smitten and no cute hippie boy could sway me.  I wonder how my life would be different if I had said yes to Scott, Jeff or Craig (who is a doctor and was completely in love with me), but I don’t regret my decisions. The only regrets I do have don’t involve my love life at all.

After I thought about it, I realized those scaredy cat high school boys weren’t to blame. It’s hard enough to ask a girl out, but a girl who is full of confidence, realizes her own potential and future greatness? It would be easier to run naked through a football game. I have always been brazen and opinionated, not always top qualifications for a girl growing up in SC who was a little odd to begin with.  I should have made it easier for them but not seeming like a friend or a buddy. I was a flirt, but I was an equal opportunity flirt.  Bryan often commented on that, but he didn’t mind.  He understood that was just my way.  I also think that as amazing as this might seem to someone who doesn’t know me, I was a little scared myself.  I was scared for different reasons though.  I didn’t want to grow up and make mistakes my mother had made.  I WAS going to college, and I WAS NOT going to get knocked up in high school.  I kept boys at arm’s length oftentimes.  However, even now, if I set my sites on you.  You’re pretty much doomed. It’s rare that I don’t “get my man”

Now, I’m 42, never married and still not much of a dater,and I’m okay with that, because I suck at it.  I’m good at relationships, but I feel so awkward on dates.  This is probably why most of the guys I have dated were guys I was already friends with.

I wonder if any 25 years when I’m sixty, some old friend is going to come u to me at funeral or an bird buffet and tell me he always wanted to ask me out, but didn’t.  It reminds me of our friend Margie who passed away a couple of years ago.  This older man who no one knew was at her funeral and when her sister asked who he was, he told her that he had gone to college with Margie.  He said he had always been  in love with her but was too afraid of rejection to tell her how he felt. How sad for both of them.  Imagine the life they could have had? If he never married and loved her without being with her, imagine how much love they would have shared had he made that move.

So what Facebook has taught me is to Go for it.  Whether I will follow through, I will have to wait and see.

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Countdown to Next Year’s Mud Run!

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, health and diet, Random Stuff, Uncategorized on 2010, September 28| 1 Comment »

UGH!  So, I am getting my ass in shape.  I want to do the USMC Mud Run next year.  Today, I met with a trainer at Gold’s Gym.  He asked all sorts of health- and body-related questions:  “What are your top goals?” “When do you feel you were at your best physical state?” “How committed are you?”  “Are there any big events that are motivating you?”  I found out that it is not going to take me as long to reach my goals (less than a year).  My real age is 41.  My health age is 45.  Not too shabby. I think.   I refuse (in a traditional female way) to post my weight on the world wide web, but it’s NOT what I want it to be.  It will be!

Today’s trainer, Duston, was hilarious, and he kicked my ass in just a few minutes!  He was lighthearted, but made me push myself.  He was born the year I graduated high school, so we decided this was a good omen to get back to my high school self! (or really just close to it)  I decided to dole out the money for a weekly (not more!) trainer to keep me accountable and on target.  After considering it, I determined that I wanted to be healthy and fit, more than I wanted to go out, buy new shoes (maybe not more than I want new books), and mainly more than I wanted to hand over money to doctors because I was unhealthy.  Luckily, I haven’t reached that stage yet – the diabetes/high blood pressure/high cholesterol stage. Forunately for me, I have never smoked.  That is such a huge factor.

This time 12 months from now, I will have reached ALL of my fitness goals.  That just seems like not time at all!  I can tell you, after busting my ass tonight, I do NOT want to add anymore to what I am trying to get rid of!  Geez!  So, it’s 3 days of weight training 4-5 days of cardio, 3-4 days of strength training, and I am going to add some yoga as well.  Before I add the yoga, I am going to have to learn those positions so I don’t look like a bigger dumbass!  Ha!

I want to be fit and strong for three reasons:

1- The Mud Run 2011

2- My 25 high school reunion is coming up (fuckin’ ay, i’m old!)

3- I will be 42 next year

Those are all excellent reasons I think.  I am doing this for me.  I have spent my entire adult life taking care of everyone else.  I am going to start putting  me first, because frankly no one else does or has sin I was a child.  I am not sad about this; it’s just something that has been, but doesn’t have to be any longer.

In addition to upping my physicality, I am paying  closer attention to my food intake.  Cheese, my beloved cheese, we can be together no more.  Or not much anyway.  I bought 99% fat free turkey tonight for sandwiches AND NO CHEESE OR MAYO!  I bought lots of veggies, fruits, yogurt, grains, legumes and some fat free milk for my Cheerios and oatmeal.  I am not going to cut myself off completely because that’s not realistic for certain situations: The State Fair, Thanksgiving and the Free For All.  French fries are officially off the menu, except for the Fair!  I rarely drink sodas, unless I have an upset stomach, so that’s not a problem.  I drink tons of water and unsweetened tea. I just really need to work out more and harder.

I am really glad I have been walking 3-5 miles pretty regularly or I would really feel like shit tonight!

So my achy thighs will now go to bed! Tomorrow at 6, back to the trainer!  Stay tuned.

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You’ll Never Know

Posted in Blogroll, crazy world, friends, Random Stuff, relationships and romance, Uncategorized on 2010, September 13| Leave a Comment »

For all of my bravado and audacity, I only show people about 70% of what I really am.  I usually say what I am thinking, but always know, I’m holding back just a bit.  Inside, I am usually repressing some feeling or thought that I think it’s safest to leave unspoken.  Safest for me.  I am generally, not concerned about how it will make me appear to most of the population, but I have gotten so used to agreeing to do things I really don’t want to do that it’s only a rare few that gets the gritty truth.  I have probably only revealed romantic interest in 5% of the men to whom I’ve actually been attracted. It’s much safer to not step out on that limb.  This I have learned the hard way.  I am not a heart on my sleeve kind of girl with my emotions, except those of the pissed off variety, but even those, I often tamp down – it’s usually not worth the uproar.  But for sure, sadness, disappointment, unrequited love – those will remain on the down-low, controlled and only displayed to a select few, no matter how raw or painful.

I often wish I could have grown up a crazy one.  The one who drinks daily, smokes weed, snorts, shoots up, doesn’t work, sleeps, mooches, disappoints, but most importantly, does so with  reckless uncaring abandon – regarding those who care for them.  I would love to just give in to insanity and blame all of my problems, failures, insecurities on some one thing or person.  The idea of just sitting in a mental hospital on drugs and telling people what they want to hear is appealing.  Unfortunately, at some point they’d see through my ruse.  They’d know I’m no more crazy than the next man or woman.   The ironic thing about this, I am pretty sure I”m in the majority.

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