Archive for February, 2012

Have I written about this before?  If I have, it’s pretty fitting.  I am not pleased with the rampant “re makes” of recent years.  Miami Vice – sucked.  Charlie’s Angels, Dukes of Hazard, etc. For all the damned money Hollywood rakes in, they could at the VERY least offer us up something original for television and movies.  I will conceded that the new Hawaii Five-O is good, but I was hesitant.  I think what makes it good is they didn’t try to recreate the entire show and cast.  They fed off of the old show and just rejuvenated it.  Good cast, interesting story lines, etc.  I also enjoy Star Trek, but I wasn’t a huge Trekkie to begin with.  I just think there are lots of brilliant people working in “the industry” so we should be getting some brilliant programming, not some cheesy repeats.

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I have never slept.  Even as a little tiny kid.  The earliest I remember not being able to fall asleep was probably around 4 years old. (My earliest memory I can remember back to when I was 2 and this family had a wreck in front of our house when it was icy and snowing.  We had just been outside making a tiny snow man to put in the freezer).  When I was 4 and 5, I would sneak out of bed and hide under the table in our dining room to watch television while Gramma and my mom or aunt were in the living room. Where the table was, I had a perfect view of tv.  I never fell asleep under there. I would lie on the floor and watch until I got tired, then I would tiptoe back in to my room. Our house was like a big circle so I would sometimes have to go through the bathroom and another bed room to get to the dining room.

If I didn’t go loll around under the table, I would just lay in bed and day dream or tell my self stories.  As I got older and my sister and cousin was there with me, I would talk to them and keep them awake, but they weren’t night owls like I was. Eventually, they would fall asleep, and I would be on my own. I can remember being awake in bed tossing and turning while everyone was asleep, adults and kids.  When I was really little it was sort of scary, but as I got older, I was used to it.

When I was around 8 or 9, Gramma decided to humor me.  She told me I could get up after Kelli went to sleep. She was hoping if I was being quiet trying to get Kelli to sleep, I would fall asleep, too.  It didn’t work.  I would try to get Kelli to count, say her alphabet, whatever, play the quiet game.  Finally, when Kelli fell asleep I could get up and read until I was tired.  That was the best.  Once I learned to read I didn’t mind not sleeping anymore.  I could read all night, sleep a couple of hours, get up and go to school.  I would read until I was tired and then go to bed.  I was never a problem to wake up and get ready.  I would actually usually wake up before everyone else, too, and get them up for work and school.

As I got older, it wasn’t scary to be awake when everyone else was asleep. I would get up and check the doors and look outside to see if it was raining or if there was anyone out there.

Insomnia served me well in college when I would need to pull all-nighters to finish up papers or study for tests.  Now, as an adult, I still have insomnia.  I know that it is bad for you to never sleep.  I know I should probably sleep more.  I know that there are pills that could probably help me sleep more.  There is just too much to do in one day to sleep, even if it is just grading papers and watching tv.

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OK, I have been pretty open about the whole “I’m going to try to the online dating thing”.  In December, I filled out a profile for OK Cupid.  I have actually had some pretty decent success on this one.  I’ve gone on a few dates.  I do have a couple of complaints (of course).  It specifically states in my profile that I am looking for a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.  So why then, do these guys who just want to get laid have a casual affair continue to contact me? PLEASE READ!!!  Also, in a similar vein.  why do you guys have long term relationship as one of the things you’re looking for when clearly you’re not looking past how to get me out of my panties.

Unfortunately for me, I am at an age where most of the men I am meeting have been married and divorced and are bitter about love and relationships again.  Thanks bitchy, cheating women for making my life difficult.  Granted, I CAN be a bitch, but I have never cheated one someone, so why should I have to suffer?  Most of the guys I meet are ready to be a 20 something bachelor again, whereas I am ready to finally settle down and get married. I’ve even gone out with guys I would normally say no to.  I’ll keep trying I guess.

Being a Finney Girl is a hard task.

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Sometimes, I have a dream about you, and it just rips me back twenty years. My heart breaks all over again. You used to say I would be the one to leave first, but I told you it would be you. I knew I would love you through everything, and I would have.  I might still. Some days I am pretty sure I’m over it, but other days I am sure there will always be the lion’s share of my heart that still has your initials carved in it.  Those out of the blue dreams are always so bittersweet. They are always so sweet and innocent, so real. Then I wake up and remember that it hasn’t been that way in decades.

I wish I could be more resolute when I sleep, more determined to keep you out of that vulnerable zone.  I don’t even think I want the you of today.  I think I want the us of yesterday.  I’m no romantic fool.  I don’t pine for you, but I do think I miss what we could have had. I do know that I have never in my life loved someone the same way, so openly, so completely.  I think I have managed to guard against that heartbreak again.  I try to lower that shield sometimes, but it always ends up in a disappointment, but disappointment is far easier to overcome than heartbreak.

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